We'll see where this goes

Ian talked to me the other day. At about 7 am he showed up at my front door.
I didn't know what to do first of all I was asleep and then i get a call saying "im outside"
so i opened the door and he hands me a letter. i didnt know what to expect it could have been a final good bye it could be a take me back it could have been any thing. . .
He left and told me he didnt have work till 10 and to call him if i choose to talk to him.
I walked back inside and opened it. . .
I didnt get past the first sentence before i began to cry. Reading that letter it broke what i had finally begun to build up (he said the same thing later on but the case was about the same on my end). I had finally begin to ATTEMPT to let go. I started talking to this guy Eric. I tryed my best and i really started to like him. . .and then ian came back.
In the envalope with the letter there was something else . . . the necklace. . .
When i pulled it out and held it in my hand i felt like i was being struck by lightning i began to shake and cry and wail.
I waited two months. TWO FUCKING MONTHS!!!!! of tears and regret and sadness. And when i finally began to heal and let go he comes back.
I told him to meet me in the park and i waited as he walked from his house (at least he was motivated)
As i waited i began to sing. I sang all the songs i have been singing to get me through this.
And then i saw him walking tword me.
we sat down at the same picknik tables he broke up with me the first time and as cold and honest as possable i told him where i stand right now. He explained his reasoning for breaking up with me and why he wasnt talking to me. He told me he was the same ian that was my friend the same ian that went to ultra with me and the same ian i fell in love with and all i could think was
WHAT FUCKING NERVE!!!!
He needs to get his life strait. Stop smoking all the fucking time. Stop being an ass hole to his family who are extreamly good people fix all the realaitonships he ruined because he lied to every one. And after all that i can try to be his friend.
Ian said he doent think he can do that.
My issue is He cheeted once on his other gf
he cheeted on me
he broke up with me once before
and if i took him back how the hell am i supposed to trust him!!!
after our chat he left and i began to think
I still love Ian
But he's still not the ian i knew he needs to get his head on strait
I love the Ian i knew the one who didn't lie the one who had lots of friends who was good in school the one who was an amazing actor
and the Ian that i grew up with
That ian still dosent exist
. . . .if i ever saw that Ian again i would go back to him in a heart beat
But untill i see him again and untill i see a mature adult i can not even imagin being with this person.
It's all up to him
And to be honest its going to be harder than he thinks me im not asking much on my end of things i want the old ian back. However getting all of his friends to trust him again and be friends again, concentrating on studies and his carreer, and really giving a shit about his family is going to be quite a feat. All i can say to the present Ian is good luck it will be harder to convince others than it will be me. Oh and good luck convincing Michelle my best friend.

Meh

*bangs head into a wall
Why do i have to feel like this i've been fine for a couple of weeks now. But in the last couple of days i just want to see him more than any thing.
I dont want him to think i hate him.
I dont want him to think . . .i dont know
My worries are stupid it dosent matter. It dosent matter at all if i call, text, aim, what ever, if i go find him to say hi, it won't matter either.
The "time" he needs just makes me begin to think that he just dosent want to be friends at all.
I mean i need my time too REALLY I've been alot better just doing what i want. But im starting to miss Ian (not the boy friend ian) but the ian i knew before all that.
I keep thinking about Ultra thats what's really making me sad.
I dont know if we're gonna be back to being friends by then. I LOVE GOING TO ULTRA WITH IAN i cant imagine going with any one else it's been our thing for the past few years.
But i dont think hes gonna want to go with me any more.
. . .
I wrote a poem yesterday it came out of nowhere i like it but of corse its a sad one i might post it i might not.
The only thing i wish for right now is to know whats going on on his side of the spectrum.
I wish i could know if he thinks we are still going to be friends. I wanna know that every thing is gonna work itself out.
I wish i could know when the life boat was gonna pick me up because the water out here is choppy and im getting tired.
(Ian i wish you would talk to me soon)
(v you dont have to comment still just venting)

I miss him

so i left my art class today and i dont have work for once. on my drive home i began to think about where i am since this whole thing began. I DO still miss him i miss our friendship but i cant be the one to start it again. When i went on friday night to see the play i didnt look at him or talk to him. We did have an important talk the last time we saw eachother and the time before that. But i think that he believes that we patched things up and all's dandy again. . . its not. I dont know if he remembers but i remember what it was like when we were friends. And sure times are different now i guess but i dont know what kind of friend i was to him. . . basically i know he was one of my best friends next to Michelle he was my other best friend and he was ALWAYS my best guy friend. Im not to sure what i was to him though. Just another friend i think.
My point is i want to be able to hang like we used to and talk like we used to but i will not start it if any one is approching the other or calling the other i need him to do it. that way ill know that he actually wants to be my friend and hes not just feeling bad for me so he talks to me.
(if you read this ian im sory if i was cold the other night)
Being alone is the hardest part for me
I saw Paranormal Activety and i feel like im the main charecter alot of the things she describes that happened to her happened to me. All i know is that when my mom goes to the keys the week of her birthday im going to be on edge hopeing that maybe i can have a friend by my side to keep an eye on me. In the movie after loud foot steps are heard and a door slams her boy friend who is living with her screams "show your self " to the spirit (or something like that) it reminded me of something that happened to me in the past. i just hope that if something happens again i can take care of it on my own. i hope

i hope for many things. . .

V if you read this there is no need for a comment im just venting.

The first cold day of the year

So the first chills of winter rolled in last night and today the weather was beautiful. But the world felt thin. Some thing felt off. Maybe it's the lack of what I've had in the past year. The cold weather is kind of like when you're walking and you catch a whiff of something that reminds you of your past. Smell is one of the strongest forms of nostalgia and for me so is weather. Winter always means alot to me the whole family time together and this year im going to be alone. all the people i usually spend christmas with have moved or changed there plans. my moms going to viset her boy friend and im just going to open my presents eat lunch and go to bed no doubt it will be a long day with nothing to do. Lately I've been feeling like something's missing (i know what that is) but now i have to go through another year of firsts. First Christmas, first cold day, first new year, and so on. *Sigh it's a shame that things have ended up the way they are i hate it i HATE IT confrontation killes me inside but what can i do? I'm not in control any more so all i can do is float on the breeze and hope that end up some where better than here. i just dont know where that will be and unfortunatly i know the only one that will always be there for me is me. i know that i will always be by my side. In the end i guess its better that way

No call back

Oh well dreams die once again. . .its okay i didn't think i was any good any way. I just did it to get rid of my curiosity. Only like 10 of my friends my Mom and Deborah Mellow wanted me to audition but every thing happens for a reason. i know if by some miracle i got a part and for example Ian or Andrea or any one else for that matter didn't get a part i would feel so weird. Or if i got a part WITH them for that matter. *sigh I'm better behind the scenes painting drawing and silent. I wasn't expecting a call back so I'm not entirely crushed but acting is like any competition and I'm not a competitor. (and V don't comment about this statement) Besides i know some one who wish i didn't go to the audition any who *sigh i hope that the seasons fly by i hope work and school keeps me busy because I don't want the way I've felt any more. "I follow the night cant stand the light" -Moulin Rouge

Acting me?

EHHHHHHH!!! WHY DO ALL MY FRIENDS HAVE TO BE SO PERSUASIVE!!!
So i was walking down the hall of the "M" building on level two and Deborah Mellow (the theater department head) asks me "are you gonna try to audition for the next play. in my mind i was thinking HELL NO!!!! But i said im not really sure ive never really acted before so i dont know. Before i could leave she said " you should i have a part that would be perfect for you" 0o shhhhhwat? Mind you i was NOT going to audidtion but then all of my drama friends kept saying "when Deborah tells you to audiditon you audidtion"
sigh
so for the past two days i picked a random monolouge memorized it and so tonight there i was waiting to preform it (for two people lol)
I TOTALY mixed up all of my lines. She said its ok sit down and start over. So i sat down on the side of the stage and begain again. Oh boy i was mixing up my lines left and right but she was laughing so that was good (mind you it was supposed to be funny she wasen't laughing at me . . .i hope lol) She asked if i was avalabe on certain days but i told her i have a job i could alwayse reschedual. And Sam (the other girl who was their) said you can die your hair right (i cringed at the thought) but Deborah was like oh she could wear a wig (thats awsome ) idk what i would do if i got a part ive never been in a real play im scared but its a new experience.
Truth to be told when i was in elementry school i always wanted to be in drama (my little secret) middle school ruined it for me but i all honesty if it wasnt for a tragic chain of events in my childhood i would probably be an actress or a singer. Sigh
If i dont get it its ok i am super busy with work and such but . . .
if i did get it 0o wtf mate i dont know
i dont expect to get a part but oh man if i got a part i would freak

"You can't always get what you want But if you try sometimes you just might find You get what you need"

I've been watching a house marathon all evening and thinking about a certain someone. I just really miss all that i dont have any more. I remembered that in one of the episodes a song that was dedicated to me plays at the end (the song in the title). The funny thing is the song also popped in my head earlyer today.
Just a few moments ago that episode of House came on i didnt realise till the end when the song played that all of what i had is in the past and it will remain that way.
I just have been having all these random memories come back into my mind.
(am i the only one thinking them? am i the only one who misses the other?)
i dont expect any thing any more.
but i want some things back ive had so many good times in the past year met tons of new friends had two amazing camping trips. i . . .i feel like im missing out now.
my relationship is over
and i also lost a friend
there's nothing left of what used to be.
and i dont beleive there ever will be again

"It's Only Forever Not Long At All"

The line from the movie Labyrinth is so true.
I just finished watching this 12 minute short film Forever Not So Long and i just feel i don't know i haven't felt this way before.
I don't want to give away the story line but. . . i don't know i feel like i understand things again.
just watch this and finish reading my post
http://foreversnotsolong.com/
*Breaths deep
things are so short and you forget what things mean to you
being yourself loving people simply for what they have to offer you
even if you love some one you forget later on and get in fights and disagreements, people get frustrated at silly things. but every moment truly could be your last "there's only us there's only this forget regret or life is yours to miss"
Losing a relationship is terrible but the worst part is losing the companionship.
in the movie you see people running trying to get places there never gonna go doing last minute things that aren't important. the two people that find each other just for a final moment let go of all the confusion and insanity and spend there last moments together.
Forever is NOT that long you never know when the end is right around the corner.
and if you find a person that can except you, you should hold on and enjoy their company until your time is up. we always forget what we like about the people we care about over time but you have to remember every time you see someone it may be the last.
there is no time for regret
there is no time for mistakes
grab on to the people that are closest to you while you can, stop running to catch up with the chaos around you and be who you truly are again before its too late
Forever is almost done
Tomorrows almost here
and before you know it all will be done
and you will have ran past all you know and love
stop for a moment and breath
eat a cupcake
hold someones hand
and take one last look at the light
before. . .

on a side note in the movie i noticed that he says to the girl something about how no ones life makes an impact its so small and so insignificant. it's almost like what i wrote the other day. i noticed just now that usually when i read peoples blogs diaries (when they let me of corse) or any kind of journal im almost never written about. again what impact do i really have on any one and dose my existance really make any difference? i hope so . . .*sigh

Isn't someone missing me?

"Even though I'm the sacrifice, You won't try for me, not now. Though I'd die to know you love me, I'm all alone. Isn't someone missing me?" Missing -Evanescence

DAMN MY IMPULSIVE POSTING ON FACE BOOK!

Last night after i finished writing about the ocean i stayed up for another HOUR i just couldn't get to sleep and i heard that song and word for word i herd the lyrics pulled from my scull.

"Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?-


And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,"

I guess i was thinking about that even as i slept. Mostly because when i woke up i began to realize who am i? I mean who am i really im just . . .human. Only human and being that only allows me to do so much. Lately i began to feel like i really have an impact on peoples life's when this morning i realized im just another empty seat.
I woke up only a few minutes late (didnt eat again . . .i dont have time for that these days) and drove to school. Someone took my early morning parking space and i realized life goes on with out people INCLUDING me. . .
again who am i? just a human what happens with out one person

"Without you, the ground thaws
the rain falls
the grass grows

Without you, the seeds root
the flowers bloom
the children play

The stars gleam
the poets dream
the eagles fly"

Would someone miss me? Yes i know they would, but Im no one special. Im another spot filled im another painter im another weird kid im the girl with the blue hair who was cool. Im not gonna change the world im not gonna save a life im just going to exist until my time is up. And how long could that be? I dont know most likely a LONG TIME but i just dont see how i can change any thing. Even though i know not all people are meant to change things its good to have some effect.
What if i had never meet certain friends?
one year back two years back SEVEN years back. Would i have made that much of a difference in their lives? Im not sure that i would have.
These are just thoughts i have no intention on doing any thing about it things always work out the way they are meant to. (I hate believing that but i have to other wise i dont understand why anything is the way it is)
"Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?

Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

"THE ONLY WAY OUT IS UP!!!!"

"AAA LEEEEEEEEEP OOOoOooooOooF FAITH" RENT
Maureen says this during her performance, and i suppose its true. I did hit the bottom no doubt about that. The things i typed on Microsoft Word and didn't put in this blog are much darker and worst than what i did put here.
At the bottom of the ocean i got wedged on some rocks scratched bruised and i have some opened wounds, but i think i might have crossed the path of a slow moving current. yes I'm gonna stay down here for a while but at least I'm moving again(not up just moving). and i suppose that the only way out of this is up.
I was worried for a bit there because i passed some trenches and i wasn't to sure if i was going to sink into one of them.
Which brings me to a touchy subject . . .death.
I mean what am i doing talking about death at 2:32 am when i should be sleeping right? whats wrong with this girl?
The truth is allot.
When you can feel eyes burning into your scull and feel things that "aren't there". When you can hear voices telling you to do things and when you can see your life flash before your eyes all day long there IS something wrong with you.
I still think no matter what any one says (and no one can convince me otherwise) i did something wrong. Every thing fell apart because of me somehow it was my fault (i know it).
I STILL FEEL THAT I CAN FALL INTO THAT TRENCH
its so close i mean how can i avoid something so massive
i almost got into a huge car accident, and everywhere i go i . . . well i see my life . . .end. its creepy i know even for me i don't get a kick out of any of this but i don't know if i can hold up to this much longer. even now in my dark bedroom someones smiling while i grimace in fear.
I have a reason for being here a very important one but i just cant justify it any more and so since Ive lost that understanding all of these thoughts or visions or what ever they are keep multiplying. I almost wanted to believe the only way out wasn't up DON'T FREAK OUT i would never do that to myself NEVER. . . but i thought something else would.
If this doesn't make one bit of sense to you i totally understand. I'm just scared that even though I'm swept up in this current i still might not see the light of day again even if i don't fall into the trench I'm afraid to leave the bottom because its all i have left from before and i don't know if I'm ready to be on my own. The ocean is enormous how am i supposed to who i can swim with especially because i trusted my pod before and now not only do i have no pod but I'm lost.
right now all i can do is float through this currant and hope it takes me out of here maybe with enough time it will take me home and if not and someone only wants to forget then all i can hope for is i find the only way out if i can choose it WILL be up.

(DORY
No..no, you can't! Stop! Please don't go away. Please? No  one's ever stuck with me for
so long before. And if you leave, if you leave...I just,  I remember things better with you.
I do... I remember it, I  do. It's there, I know it is
because when I look at you, I can feel it. And I, I look 
at you and...I'm home. Please.
I don't want them to go away. I don't wanna forget.

MARLIN
I'm sorry, Dory, but I do. -Finding Nemo)

This is never ending

I'm trying to write and essay for my english class its due tomorrow but i just can't concentrate. I miss him. There is not doubt in my mind that this whole situation has totally screwed me up. I have nightmares i can't eat and sleeping past 9 am is out of the question. In bed at 2 wake up at 9 which is weird for me im a good sleeper. I wish that we could see each other more I'm worried about him and I'm worried about my self. I CANT just stop thinking about this when your with someone almost everyday for a year and then you dont see or hear from them for days or weeks at a time its like he's dead. I dont know if i will ever get my friend back. and it scares me. i thought we had a very strong realtionship and this has reminded me that nothing is perminent. Now im even scared for my own life. i keep having visions that i might die: car crash, lightning, gunshot to name a few. Or even my best friend Michelle maybe we arent that close any day now she could just stop talking to me because someone convinses her that im a loser. I feel like a rock on the edge of the ocean all i can do is sit back in horrer and watch the wind and sand and waves break off little peices of me till there's nothing left. I can only anticipate what's going next.
And i am hurting already.
i had a dream about him again last night and i WOKE UP in tears. Have you ever experienced that? I have only once before when iggy died.
I dont like dreaming any more i dont like sleeping i dont like eating i dont like drawing. . . no i dont i dont like any thing.
every thing rubes me the wrong way like sand paper on a fresh side walk scrape.
I only hope that one day he comes back as a friend yes definetly. . . but i want us back. . . .i want US back because i think we can make it work. . . at least i hope so. . . im not sure any more.
Oh and the split personalitys yeah i still have them. thats one of the reasons i cant sleep

I feel like i'm in a movie

Lately i feel like my life has been totally scripted. Either like some family show or teen drama. Or even like some bad TV movie. All the peaces of the puzzle fit its like the audience the whole time has been screaming at me through the screen telling me "HELLOOO DONT YOU SEE WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN NEXT!!!!" , but through all the buzzing of the wires and the bright lights i hear nothing. And actually it's not just been lately there have been other points in my life where I've felt, why didn't i see that? This whole think with my FAAaAaaaATHER has been so draining on me and i haven't really been able to talk about it with any one (besides Michelle) but Debora's been . . .busy i guess *shrug, and well, Ian's been nonexistent. So its just been me and my mind like in the Evanescence song Hello
"hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
hello,
if i smile and don't believe
soon i know I'll wake from this dream
don't try to fix me I'm not broken
hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
don't cry"
It used to be only an Iggy song (that's a story for another day) but now i find that my songs apply to all parts of my twisted life and there is a comfort in that. That through all this there is somee constant something i know wont change something i know will always be there

The Dark Side Of The Moon

It's funny to me that my fondest memory of my father is something that i wasn't around for idk if i have time to get into it now but i plan to- oh i plan to. I also think it's a bit funny that the only reminder of my father now will be the Pink Floyd CD's i stole from him yesterday when i was helping my grandmother pack her stuff. Bad? Evil? Well you might not think so if you were in my position. I kinda feel guilty to say that im just waiting for my dad to die. . .- WHATS WRONG WITH THIS PERSON!!!!!???!?! Well to be honest everythings wrong with him (i know that's not where you thought i was going with this but thats why its so interesting). All i have to say before i get into a whole story with you is: it is a wonder, a marvel, a MIRACLE that i even exist to tell you this much. Truely my mother has told me (joking of corse) that my father was just a sperm doner, but after all im heard i almost want to hear that. I just hope that with my mothers up bringing is enough to keep me from being any thing like my FAAAAATHER because if i end up like him. . . i will be in alot, ALOT of trouble.

"Good Morning Revival"

Hello to all well im not feeling to bad to day i had the most WONDERFUL day with Michelle yesterday. Michelle and i went to the beach for a while and then i was like "damn i wish that i would rain" and she's like "me too". and i just blabed out " i just wanna go storm hunting and find one to frolic in" and michelle just plainly said "lets do it". and then my eyes widened with glee and i was like fuck yeah. so we started to drive and we ended up on "calle ocho" and we began gaining on the storm. the rain began to fall and the lightning started. and as we truned into this neighborhood it was raining so hard we couldn't see in frount of us. we got out of the car and instantly were DRENCHED!!! IT WAS SO0O0O0O0O COLD!!!!! and at that moment i felt the most free ive felt in a long time. i forgot everything i felt like a little kid again the puddles were half way up my leg and i ran and jumped in a huge puddle and kicked the water. the lighning and thunder didnt scare me every thing was just PERFECT. i wanted to be there for ever. a few people drove by and one lady asked us if we neede a ride. we just laughed and declined. I wish more days could be like that because the rain really did wash away all my troubles. and i feel alive again and my thoughts are finally clear. i still think i need more time before im compleatly back to normal but untill then i feel like there might be some hope for me

"when can i see you again" what? you're coming over now?!?!?!!!???

so ian stopped but to pick up something from me. its kinda weird when i heard his ring tone i didnt even react right away i was just like , oh my phone's ringing hm. then i realized it was his ring tone and i was like , oh crap answer! but yeah it was hard seeing him by biggest wish come true and the first thing he did is what happened in my dream. the only difference this time was i lost control and broke down (how embarrassing). he kissed my cheek and came in got what he came for and i got to look at him i wanted to see him smile but i guess we both arent ready for that yet. then before he left he gugged me and i just lost it all i could think was "oh god (this is every thing i wanted for the past few days (pathetic i know) ) " and so i cried a bit. he told me he knows im stronger than this. but right now i'm not and to be honest i dont think thats gonna change for a while. now i know ian can read this and my intention is not to make him feel like crap (please dont if you are reading this) i just need to say somethings more or less in the open because i feel like exploding the sensation to check on him is so strong i want to know hes safe and i think thats why i keep dreaming of him. well i cant really crontrol that because the only cure for that is not to sleep.
on another note today michelle and i are gonna go to the beach. im hoping being there will help me sort of meditate and let some things go. see i kinda know how this whole thing is gonna turn out im just waiting for him to come around and say it. the only problem with this is my instincts are sending me other messages making me not believe what i know will happen. complicated i know . the mind is a very curious thing. well ttfn.

"Say Anything"

So these past few days have been- well lets just say not my favorite week i've ever experienced. I don't have to get into details for any one who made it past my last few posts. But all i want now is things to go back to the way they were, but i guess the question isnt whether i want it to go back a couple of weeks or a couple of years. If i went back years i wouldn't remember any of the amazing times ive had in the past years. Like in Eternal Sunshine For The Spotless Mind i couldn't imagine erasing him from my memory. I am so mature i see this as a learning experience i've lost my innocence ive lost my certanty of many things, but i havent lost my beliefe that i CAN hold up and i CAN patch things.
There is a song i wanna post the lyrics to but seeing as he can read this post i dont think im ready for him to read the lyrics. really most of them i want him to read but the last line is i think too much right now. Nothing hateful or regretful just hopeful. I am hopeful but again losing my faith in many things right now dosent help my confusing mind which brings me to why i originaly started this post.
I'm hearing voices. . . before you call the men in white coats (haha hehe hoho to the funny farm) i'm fine. But i quite feel like im in a Stephen King book. The two girls in my head have two verry different personalities : the first timid one has tried despratly to stop me from doning any thing (talking to him, calling him, texting him, aiming him ect), and the other is almost my compleat opposite she's kinda a bitch dare i say. Ms. Bitch has numerously ALMOST convinced me to go to his house and scream at him, break things, and speed down the road way faster than i normally do(this one i am guilty of a couple of occasions). All that im worried of is that they are me!! And im verry convincing. I think they need names but im a little heasetent that names will solidifie them a spot in my mind.
SIGH**
Well i guess all i can hope for now is my sanity stay in tact and he dosent take too long please dont take too long the longer i wait the more i question my self and when you're questioning yourself you're in trouble.

"Wake Me Up When September Ends" PLEASE!!!

September is just not my month. I never have a good September there's always something that goes wrong
Good Charlotte
The Truth "So here we are
We are alone
There’s weight on your mind
I wanna know
The truth, if this is how you feel
Say it to me. . .

I want the truth from you
Give me the truth, even if it hurts me. . .

So this is you
You're talking to me . . .
I was blind
But now I see
This is how you feel
Just say it to me
If this was ever real. . .

I know that this will break me
I know that this might make me cry
You gotta say what’s on your mind, on your mind
I know that this will hurt me
and break my heart and soul inside
I don’t wanna live this lie"

I have no one right now in 2004 i lost my true love and ill never get that love back. Now all i have are the stars and the moon thats all i can depend on. the rain and the thunder to wash every thing away. every thing is crumbling under my feet, i have no time to think no time to look back. Fantasia is being devoured by darkness and there is no Bastian to save it. there is no virtuous child to clap there hands and cry out "I DO BELIEVE IN FARIES!!!!! I DO I DO". . . . I do not.
If love is like oxygen then i'm under ten foot waves and sinking and theres only hope of me seeing the dark ocean floor. The last dragon has been slan and there is no dragon heaven. There is no shining place after the light in fact there is no light. after all is done there is no one and nothing. Cold dark shadows creeping in feasting on all that is left. The pain so deep your heart wants to pop. The tears flow like a never ending leak and you cry out hoping someone will save you but in space no one can hear you scream.

Danny Elfman
Tears to shead "If I touch a burning candle I can feel no pain
In the ice or in the sun it's all the same
Yet I feel my heart is aching
Though it doesn't beat it's breaking
And the pain here that I feel
Try and tell me it's not real
I know that I am dead
Yet it seems that I still have some tears to shed"

Sometimes I Just Feel Like . . .

Many times when i begin some type of journal I'm not sure what i might have written down in a months time. But in recent years I have found that usually when i write, something is bothering me. And what I write always seems kind of depressing. I hate it. Why would any of you want to read any thing i have to say if its only going to be complaints. *SIGH So I'm gonna try my hardest not to sit here and type some sad story to make you pity me or take my side. But I'm just letting you know its kind of in my nature to write this way. . . Sometimes i just feel like on the inside I'm like one of those stereotypical goth kids in all black and depressed and hating the world. Which I'm not, but i guess i just write that way. OH, and please PLEASE forgive me if i ever seem blunt or crewel it's also in my nature to say exactly how i feel when i feel it. I hate lying and so if somethings on my mind i say it.

And Now Some Music

When im in one of these moods i listen to music that literally explains how I'm feeling here's what i'm listening to now:

Blink 182
Stay Together For The Kids "
It's hard to wake up
When the shades have been pulled shut
This house is haunted
It's so pathetic
It makes no sense at all."

Blink 182
Adam's Song"16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive. . .
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone"

Simple Plan
I'm Just A Kid (Life Is A Nightmare)"I woke up it was 7
I waited till 11
Just to figure out that no one would call
I think i got a lot of friends but I don't hear from them
What's another night all alone?
When your spending everyday on your own
And here it goes

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me
Tonight...

And maybe when the night is dead, I'll crawl into my bed
Staring at these 4 walls again
I'll try to think about the last time, I had a good time
Everyone's got somewhere to go
And they're gonna leave me here on my own"

Simple Plan
The Worst Day Ever "Six AM, the clock is ringing.
I need to spend an hour snoozin'
cause I don't think I'm gonna make it.

I punch in, I'm still sleeping.
Watch the clock, but it's not moving.
Cause everyday is never ending.
I need to work, I'm always spending.

And I feel like I'm living the worst day
over and over again.
And I feel like the summer is leaving again.
I feel like I'm living the worst day.
I feel like you're gone.
And every day is the worst day ever.

Yesterday was the worst day ever.
And tomorrow won't be better.
It's history repeating on and on.
Summer plans are gone forever.
I traded them in for dishpan water.
And every day is never ending.
I need to work, I'm always spending."

But yeah i know its kinda childish but sometimes it's kinda nice to know I'm not the only one.

"Welcome To My Life"

It's just one of those days that unraveled on me. I had plans to do several things and as the day went by the first string gave way and now there's another hole in my jeans. To begin I was at my boy friends house waiting for a phone call. I was supposed to sleep over my friend Debbie's house but a family member of hers is in the hospital and she has to be ready to leave at a moments notice. I'm not mad about that. My grandmother passed away about a year ago so i know almost exactly where she's coming from. However I was very disappointed because we haven't had a sleepover in an Age. Any who i was hoping I could join Ian at the party he was going to later tonight (now) and he said no. Here's where it gets complicated. I KNOW very well that all people need there space I have experienced clingy relationships and all I can say is they fail. So if Ian doesn't want me to go to a party I don't want to go truely but I had no other plans. . . I don't want to invade his time with his friends, but I don't want to be stuck home (yet here i am now). He convinced me to call my Best Friend Michelle so I did. Turns out she's going to the same party and so here we go again I was actually invited by one of the guyes throwing the party and Michelle wanted me to go but . . . . well you get the picture and so i dropped Ian off my self and I'm back here. . . . I tried to make other plans with my friend Vania but it's just to late for me to chill at a friends house and truely i was in a party stay up late mood. Unfortunately this is one of those internal fights I cant win. I'm home making Ian happy, i want him to be with his friends without me having a blast, REALLY. But here I am at home wishing i was there not really to be with him just to be some where but here. Being here makes me think more and more how my day sucks and so the inernal conflict continues. . .

HI.

Well hello there. Truth to be told i've never bloged before, I'm a terrable speller, I probably can't write all that well, and unfortunatly my vocabulary could be a bit more extensive. But thats not why I'm here. I'm actually not sure why I'm here. Maybe I need to say some things that I've never said before, things that I've wanted to say out loud but just fall flat. I want to set free some skeletons! I want to answer some of my own questions! And at the end of the day I just want to get some things off my chest. So if you've read this and you feel like reading more I welcome you to, and if you read this and you aren't intrested I bid you farewell. But if you wish to continue learn from what you read, give advice, and enjoy the journey.