This is never ending

I'm trying to write and essay for my english class its due tomorrow but i just can't concentrate. I miss him. There is not doubt in my mind that this whole situation has totally screwed me up. I have nightmares i can't eat and sleeping past 9 am is out of the question. In bed at 2 wake up at 9 which is weird for me im a good sleeper. I wish that we could see each other more I'm worried about him and I'm worried about my self. I CANT just stop thinking about this when your with someone almost everyday for a year and then you dont see or hear from them for days or weeks at a time its like he's dead. I dont know if i will ever get my friend back. and it scares me. i thought we had a very strong realtionship and this has reminded me that nothing is perminent. Now im even scared for my own life. i keep having visions that i might die: car crash, lightning, gunshot to name a few. Or even my best friend Michelle maybe we arent that close any day now she could just stop talking to me because someone convinses her that im a loser. I feel like a rock on the edge of the ocean all i can do is sit back in horrer and watch the wind and sand and waves break off little peices of me till there's nothing left. I can only anticipate what's going next.
And i am hurting already.
i had a dream about him again last night and i WOKE UP in tears. Have you ever experienced that? I have only once before when iggy died.
I dont like dreaming any more i dont like sleeping i dont like eating i dont like drawing. . . no i dont i dont like any thing.
every thing rubes me the wrong way like sand paper on a fresh side walk scrape.
I only hope that one day he comes back as a friend yes definetly. . . but i want us back. . . .i want US back because i think we can make it work. . . at least i hope so. . . im not sure any more.
Oh and the split personalitys yeah i still have them. thats one of the reasons i cant sleep

I feel like i'm in a movie

Lately i feel like my life has been totally scripted. Either like some family show or teen drama. Or even like some bad TV movie. All the peaces of the puzzle fit its like the audience the whole time has been screaming at me through the screen telling me "HELLOOO DONT YOU SEE WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN NEXT!!!!" , but through all the buzzing of the wires and the bright lights i hear nothing. And actually it's not just been lately there have been other points in my life where I've felt, why didn't i see that? This whole think with my FAAaAaaaATHER has been so draining on me and i haven't really been able to talk about it with any one (besides Michelle) but Debora's been . . .busy i guess *shrug, and well, Ian's been nonexistent. So its just been me and my mind like in the Evanescence song Hello
"hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
hello,
if i smile and don't believe
soon i know I'll wake from this dream
don't try to fix me I'm not broken
hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
don't cry"
It used to be only an Iggy song (that's a story for another day) but now i find that my songs apply to all parts of my twisted life and there is a comfort in that. That through all this there is somee constant something i know wont change something i know will always be there

The Dark Side Of The Moon

It's funny to me that my fondest memory of my father is something that i wasn't around for idk if i have time to get into it now but i plan to- oh i plan to. I also think it's a bit funny that the only reminder of my father now will be the Pink Floyd CD's i stole from him yesterday when i was helping my grandmother pack her stuff. Bad? Evil? Well you might not think so if you were in my position. I kinda feel guilty to say that im just waiting for my dad to die. . .- WHATS WRONG WITH THIS PERSON!!!!!???!?! Well to be honest everythings wrong with him (i know that's not where you thought i was going with this but thats why its so interesting). All i have to say before i get into a whole story with you is: it is a wonder, a marvel, a MIRACLE that i even exist to tell you this much. Truely my mother has told me (joking of corse) that my father was just a sperm doner, but after all im heard i almost want to hear that. I just hope that with my mothers up bringing is enough to keep me from being any thing like my FAAAAATHER because if i end up like him. . . i will be in alot, ALOT of trouble.

"Good Morning Revival"

Hello to all well im not feeling to bad to day i had the most WONDERFUL day with Michelle yesterday. Michelle and i went to the beach for a while and then i was like "damn i wish that i would rain" and she's like "me too". and i just blabed out " i just wanna go storm hunting and find one to frolic in" and michelle just plainly said "lets do it". and then my eyes widened with glee and i was like fuck yeah. so we started to drive and we ended up on "calle ocho" and we began gaining on the storm. the rain began to fall and the lightning started. and as we truned into this neighborhood it was raining so hard we couldn't see in frount of us. we got out of the car and instantly were DRENCHED!!! IT WAS SO0O0O0O0O COLD!!!!! and at that moment i felt the most free ive felt in a long time. i forgot everything i felt like a little kid again the puddles were half way up my leg and i ran and jumped in a huge puddle and kicked the water. the lighning and thunder didnt scare me every thing was just PERFECT. i wanted to be there for ever. a few people drove by and one lady asked us if we neede a ride. we just laughed and declined. I wish more days could be like that because the rain really did wash away all my troubles. and i feel alive again and my thoughts are finally clear. i still think i need more time before im compleatly back to normal but untill then i feel like there might be some hope for me

"when can i see you again" what? you're coming over now?!?!?!!!???

so ian stopped but to pick up something from me. its kinda weird when i heard his ring tone i didnt even react right away i was just like , oh my phone's ringing hm. then i realized it was his ring tone and i was like , oh crap answer! but yeah it was hard seeing him by biggest wish come true and the first thing he did is what happened in my dream. the only difference this time was i lost control and broke down (how embarrassing). he kissed my cheek and came in got what he came for and i got to look at him i wanted to see him smile but i guess we both arent ready for that yet. then before he left he gugged me and i just lost it all i could think was "oh god (this is every thing i wanted for the past few days (pathetic i know) ) " and so i cried a bit. he told me he knows im stronger than this. but right now i'm not and to be honest i dont think thats gonna change for a while. now i know ian can read this and my intention is not to make him feel like crap (please dont if you are reading this) i just need to say somethings more or less in the open because i feel like exploding the sensation to check on him is so strong i want to know hes safe and i think thats why i keep dreaming of him. well i cant really crontrol that because the only cure for that is not to sleep.
on another note today michelle and i are gonna go to the beach. im hoping being there will help me sort of meditate and let some things go. see i kinda know how this whole thing is gonna turn out im just waiting for him to come around and say it. the only problem with this is my instincts are sending me other messages making me not believe what i know will happen. complicated i know . the mind is a very curious thing. well ttfn.

"Say Anything"

So these past few days have been- well lets just say not my favorite week i've ever experienced. I don't have to get into details for any one who made it past my last few posts. But all i want now is things to go back to the way they were, but i guess the question isnt whether i want it to go back a couple of weeks or a couple of years. If i went back years i wouldn't remember any of the amazing times ive had in the past years. Like in Eternal Sunshine For The Spotless Mind i couldn't imagine erasing him from my memory. I am so mature i see this as a learning experience i've lost my innocence ive lost my certanty of many things, but i havent lost my beliefe that i CAN hold up and i CAN patch things.
There is a song i wanna post the lyrics to but seeing as he can read this post i dont think im ready for him to read the lyrics. really most of them i want him to read but the last line is i think too much right now. Nothing hateful or regretful just hopeful. I am hopeful but again losing my faith in many things right now dosent help my confusing mind which brings me to why i originaly started this post.
I'm hearing voices. . . before you call the men in white coats (haha hehe hoho to the funny farm) i'm fine. But i quite feel like im in a Stephen King book. The two girls in my head have two verry different personalities : the first timid one has tried despratly to stop me from doning any thing (talking to him, calling him, texting him, aiming him ect), and the other is almost my compleat opposite she's kinda a bitch dare i say. Ms. Bitch has numerously ALMOST convinced me to go to his house and scream at him, break things, and speed down the road way faster than i normally do(this one i am guilty of a couple of occasions). All that im worried of is that they are me!! And im verry convincing. I think they need names but im a little heasetent that names will solidifie them a spot in my mind.
SIGH**
Well i guess all i can hope for now is my sanity stay in tact and he dosent take too long please dont take too long the longer i wait the more i question my self and when you're questioning yourself you're in trouble.

"Wake Me Up When September Ends" PLEASE!!!

September is just not my month. I never have a good September there's always something that goes wrong
Good Charlotte
The Truth "So here we are
We are alone
There’s weight on your mind
I wanna know
The truth, if this is how you feel
Say it to me. . .

I want the truth from you
Give me the truth, even if it hurts me. . .

So this is you
You're talking to me . . .
I was blind
But now I see
This is how you feel
Just say it to me
If this was ever real. . .

I know that this will break me
I know that this might make me cry
You gotta say what’s on your mind, on your mind
I know that this will hurt me
and break my heart and soul inside
I don’t wanna live this lie"

I have no one right now in 2004 i lost my true love and ill never get that love back. Now all i have are the stars and the moon thats all i can depend on. the rain and the thunder to wash every thing away. every thing is crumbling under my feet, i have no time to think no time to look back. Fantasia is being devoured by darkness and there is no Bastian to save it. there is no virtuous child to clap there hands and cry out "I DO BELIEVE IN FARIES!!!!! I DO I DO". . . . I do not.
If love is like oxygen then i'm under ten foot waves and sinking and theres only hope of me seeing the dark ocean floor. The last dragon has been slan and there is no dragon heaven. There is no shining place after the light in fact there is no light. after all is done there is no one and nothing. Cold dark shadows creeping in feasting on all that is left. The pain so deep your heart wants to pop. The tears flow like a never ending leak and you cry out hoping someone will save you but in space no one can hear you scream.

Danny Elfman
Tears to shead "If I touch a burning candle I can feel no pain
In the ice or in the sun it's all the same
Yet I feel my heart is aching
Though it doesn't beat it's breaking
And the pain here that I feel
Try and tell me it's not real
I know that I am dead
Yet it seems that I still have some tears to shed"

Sometimes I Just Feel Like . . .

Many times when i begin some type of journal I'm not sure what i might have written down in a months time. But in recent years I have found that usually when i write, something is bothering me. And what I write always seems kind of depressing. I hate it. Why would any of you want to read any thing i have to say if its only going to be complaints. *SIGH So I'm gonna try my hardest not to sit here and type some sad story to make you pity me or take my side. But I'm just letting you know its kind of in my nature to write this way. . . Sometimes i just feel like on the inside I'm like one of those stereotypical goth kids in all black and depressed and hating the world. Which I'm not, but i guess i just write that way. OH, and please PLEASE forgive me if i ever seem blunt or crewel it's also in my nature to say exactly how i feel when i feel it. I hate lying and so if somethings on my mind i say it.

And Now Some Music

When im in one of these moods i listen to music that literally explains how I'm feeling here's what i'm listening to now:

Blink 182
Stay Together For The Kids "
It's hard to wake up
When the shades have been pulled shut
This house is haunted
It's so pathetic
It makes no sense at all."

Blink 182
Adam's Song"16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive. . .
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone"

Simple Plan
I'm Just A Kid (Life Is A Nightmare)"I woke up it was 7
I waited till 11
Just to figure out that no one would call
I think i got a lot of friends but I don't hear from them
What's another night all alone?
When your spending everyday on your own
And here it goes

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me
Tonight...

And maybe when the night is dead, I'll crawl into my bed
Staring at these 4 walls again
I'll try to think about the last time, I had a good time
Everyone's got somewhere to go
And they're gonna leave me here on my own"

Simple Plan
The Worst Day Ever "Six AM, the clock is ringing.
I need to spend an hour snoozin'
cause I don't think I'm gonna make it.

I punch in, I'm still sleeping.
Watch the clock, but it's not moving.
Cause everyday is never ending.
I need to work, I'm always spending.

And I feel like I'm living the worst day
over and over again.
And I feel like the summer is leaving again.
I feel like I'm living the worst day.
I feel like you're gone.
And every day is the worst day ever.

Yesterday was the worst day ever.
And tomorrow won't be better.
It's history repeating on and on.
Summer plans are gone forever.
I traded them in for dishpan water.
And every day is never ending.
I need to work, I'm always spending."

But yeah i know its kinda childish but sometimes it's kinda nice to know I'm not the only one.

"Welcome To My Life"

It's just one of those days that unraveled on me. I had plans to do several things and as the day went by the first string gave way and now there's another hole in my jeans. To begin I was at my boy friends house waiting for a phone call. I was supposed to sleep over my friend Debbie's house but a family member of hers is in the hospital and she has to be ready to leave at a moments notice. I'm not mad about that. My grandmother passed away about a year ago so i know almost exactly where she's coming from. However I was very disappointed because we haven't had a sleepover in an Age. Any who i was hoping I could join Ian at the party he was going to later tonight (now) and he said no. Here's where it gets complicated. I KNOW very well that all people need there space I have experienced clingy relationships and all I can say is they fail. So if Ian doesn't want me to go to a party I don't want to go truely but I had no other plans. . . I don't want to invade his time with his friends, but I don't want to be stuck home (yet here i am now). He convinced me to call my Best Friend Michelle so I did. Turns out she's going to the same party and so here we go again I was actually invited by one of the guyes throwing the party and Michelle wanted me to go but . . . . well you get the picture and so i dropped Ian off my self and I'm back here. . . . I tried to make other plans with my friend Vania but it's just to late for me to chill at a friends house and truely i was in a party stay up late mood. Unfortunately this is one of those internal fights I cant win. I'm home making Ian happy, i want him to be with his friends without me having a blast, REALLY. But here I am at home wishing i was there not really to be with him just to be some where but here. Being here makes me think more and more how my day sucks and so the inernal conflict continues. . .

HI.

Well hello there. Truth to be told i've never bloged before, I'm a terrable speller, I probably can't write all that well, and unfortunatly my vocabulary could be a bit more extensive. But thats not why I'm here. I'm actually not sure why I'm here. Maybe I need to say some things that I've never said before, things that I've wanted to say out loud but just fall flat. I want to set free some skeletons! I want to answer some of my own questions! And at the end of the day I just want to get some things off my chest. So if you've read this and you feel like reading more I welcome you to, and if you read this and you aren't intrested I bid you farewell. But if you wish to continue learn from what you read, give advice, and enjoy the journey.