Meh

*bangs head into a wall
Why do i have to feel like this i've been fine for a couple of weeks now. But in the last couple of days i just want to see him more than any thing.
I dont want him to think i hate him.
I dont want him to think . . .i dont know
My worries are stupid it dosent matter. It dosent matter at all if i call, text, aim, what ever, if i go find him to say hi, it won't matter either.
The "time" he needs just makes me begin to think that he just dosent want to be friends at all.
I mean i need my time too REALLY I've been alot better just doing what i want. But im starting to miss Ian (not the boy friend ian) but the ian i knew before all that.
I keep thinking about Ultra thats what's really making me sad.
I dont know if we're gonna be back to being friends by then. I LOVE GOING TO ULTRA WITH IAN i cant imagine going with any one else it's been our thing for the past few years.
But i dont think hes gonna want to go with me any more.
. . .
I wrote a poem yesterday it came out of nowhere i like it but of corse its a sad one i might post it i might not.
The only thing i wish for right now is to know whats going on on his side of the spectrum.
I wish i could know if he thinks we are still going to be friends. I wanna know that every thing is gonna work itself out.
I wish i could know when the life boat was gonna pick me up because the water out here is choppy and im getting tired.
(Ian i wish you would talk to me soon)
(v you dont have to comment still just venting)

I miss him

so i left my art class today and i dont have work for once. on my drive home i began to think about where i am since this whole thing began. I DO still miss him i miss our friendship but i cant be the one to start it again. When i went on friday night to see the play i didnt look at him or talk to him. We did have an important talk the last time we saw eachother and the time before that. But i think that he believes that we patched things up and all's dandy again. . . its not. I dont know if he remembers but i remember what it was like when we were friends. And sure times are different now i guess but i dont know what kind of friend i was to him. . . basically i know he was one of my best friends next to Michelle he was my other best friend and he was ALWAYS my best guy friend. Im not to sure what i was to him though. Just another friend i think.
My point is i want to be able to hang like we used to and talk like we used to but i will not start it if any one is approching the other or calling the other i need him to do it. that way ill know that he actually wants to be my friend and hes not just feeling bad for me so he talks to me.
(if you read this ian im sory if i was cold the other night)
Being alone is the hardest part for me
I saw Paranormal Activety and i feel like im the main charecter alot of the things she describes that happened to her happened to me. All i know is that when my mom goes to the keys the week of her birthday im going to be on edge hopeing that maybe i can have a friend by my side to keep an eye on me. In the movie after loud foot steps are heard and a door slams her boy friend who is living with her screams "show your self " to the spirit (or something like that) it reminded me of something that happened to me in the past. i just hope that if something happens again i can take care of it on my own. i hope

i hope for many things. . .

V if you read this there is no need for a comment im just venting.

The first cold day of the year

So the first chills of winter rolled in last night and today the weather was beautiful. But the world felt thin. Some thing felt off. Maybe it's the lack of what I've had in the past year. The cold weather is kind of like when you're walking and you catch a whiff of something that reminds you of your past. Smell is one of the strongest forms of nostalgia and for me so is weather. Winter always means alot to me the whole family time together and this year im going to be alone. all the people i usually spend christmas with have moved or changed there plans. my moms going to viset her boy friend and im just going to open my presents eat lunch and go to bed no doubt it will be a long day with nothing to do. Lately I've been feeling like something's missing (i know what that is) but now i have to go through another year of firsts. First Christmas, first cold day, first new year, and so on. *Sigh it's a shame that things have ended up the way they are i hate it i HATE IT confrontation killes me inside but what can i do? I'm not in control any more so all i can do is float on the breeze and hope that end up some where better than here. i just dont know where that will be and unfortunatly i know the only one that will always be there for me is me. i know that i will always be by my side. In the end i guess its better that way

No call back

Oh well dreams die once again. . .its okay i didn't think i was any good any way. I just did it to get rid of my curiosity. Only like 10 of my friends my Mom and Deborah Mellow wanted me to audition but every thing happens for a reason. i know if by some miracle i got a part and for example Ian or Andrea or any one else for that matter didn't get a part i would feel so weird. Or if i got a part WITH them for that matter. *sigh I'm better behind the scenes painting drawing and silent. I wasn't expecting a call back so I'm not entirely crushed but acting is like any competition and I'm not a competitor. (and V don't comment about this statement) Besides i know some one who wish i didn't go to the audition any who *sigh i hope that the seasons fly by i hope work and school keeps me busy because I don't want the way I've felt any more. "I follow the night cant stand the light" -Moulin Rouge

Acting me?

EHHHHHHH!!! WHY DO ALL MY FRIENDS HAVE TO BE SO PERSUASIVE!!!
So i was walking down the hall of the "M" building on level two and Deborah Mellow (the theater department head) asks me "are you gonna try to audition for the next play. in my mind i was thinking HELL NO!!!! But i said im not really sure ive never really acted before so i dont know. Before i could leave she said " you should i have a part that would be perfect for you" 0o shhhhhwat? Mind you i was NOT going to audidtion but then all of my drama friends kept saying "when Deborah tells you to audiditon you audidtion"
sigh
so for the past two days i picked a random monolouge memorized it and so tonight there i was waiting to preform it (for two people lol)
I TOTALY mixed up all of my lines. She said its ok sit down and start over. So i sat down on the side of the stage and begain again. Oh boy i was mixing up my lines left and right but she was laughing so that was good (mind you it was supposed to be funny she wasen't laughing at me . . .i hope lol) She asked if i was avalabe on certain days but i told her i have a job i could alwayse reschedual. And Sam (the other girl who was their) said you can die your hair right (i cringed at the thought) but Deborah was like oh she could wear a wig (thats awsome ) idk what i would do if i got a part ive never been in a real play im scared but its a new experience.
Truth to be told when i was in elementry school i always wanted to be in drama (my little secret) middle school ruined it for me but i all honesty if it wasnt for a tragic chain of events in my childhood i would probably be an actress or a singer. Sigh
If i dont get it its ok i am super busy with work and such but . . .
if i did get it 0o wtf mate i dont know
i dont expect to get a part but oh man if i got a part i would freak

"You can't always get what you want But if you try sometimes you just might find You get what you need"

I've been watching a house marathon all evening and thinking about a certain someone. I just really miss all that i dont have any more. I remembered that in one of the episodes a song that was dedicated to me plays at the end (the song in the title). The funny thing is the song also popped in my head earlyer today.
Just a few moments ago that episode of House came on i didnt realise till the end when the song played that all of what i had is in the past and it will remain that way.
I just have been having all these random memories come back into my mind.
(am i the only one thinking them? am i the only one who misses the other?)
i dont expect any thing any more.
but i want some things back ive had so many good times in the past year met tons of new friends had two amazing camping trips. i . . .i feel like im missing out now.
my relationship is over
and i also lost a friend
there's nothing left of what used to be.
and i dont beleive there ever will be again

"It's Only Forever Not Long At All"

The line from the movie Labyrinth is so true.
I just finished watching this 12 minute short film Forever Not So Long and i just feel i don't know i haven't felt this way before.
I don't want to give away the story line but. . . i don't know i feel like i understand things again.
just watch this and finish reading my post
http://foreversnotsolong.com/
*Breaths deep
things are so short and you forget what things mean to you
being yourself loving people simply for what they have to offer you
even if you love some one you forget later on and get in fights and disagreements, people get frustrated at silly things. but every moment truly could be your last "there's only us there's only this forget regret or life is yours to miss"
Losing a relationship is terrible but the worst part is losing the companionship.
in the movie you see people running trying to get places there never gonna go doing last minute things that aren't important. the two people that find each other just for a final moment let go of all the confusion and insanity and spend there last moments together.
Forever is NOT that long you never know when the end is right around the corner.
and if you find a person that can except you, you should hold on and enjoy their company until your time is up. we always forget what we like about the people we care about over time but you have to remember every time you see someone it may be the last.
there is no time for regret
there is no time for mistakes
grab on to the people that are closest to you while you can, stop running to catch up with the chaos around you and be who you truly are again before its too late
Forever is almost done
Tomorrows almost here
and before you know it all will be done
and you will have ran past all you know and love
stop for a moment and breath
eat a cupcake
hold someones hand
and take one last look at the light
before. . .

on a side note in the movie i noticed that he says to the girl something about how no ones life makes an impact its so small and so insignificant. it's almost like what i wrote the other day. i noticed just now that usually when i read peoples blogs diaries (when they let me of corse) or any kind of journal im almost never written about. again what impact do i really have on any one and dose my existance really make any difference? i hope so . . .*sigh

Isn't someone missing me?

"Even though I'm the sacrifice, You won't try for me, not now. Though I'd die to know you love me, I'm all alone. Isn't someone missing me?" Missing -Evanescence

DAMN MY IMPULSIVE POSTING ON FACE BOOK!

Last night after i finished writing about the ocean i stayed up for another HOUR i just couldn't get to sleep and i heard that song and word for word i herd the lyrics pulled from my scull.

"Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?-


And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,"

I guess i was thinking about that even as i slept. Mostly because when i woke up i began to realize who am i? I mean who am i really im just . . .human. Only human and being that only allows me to do so much. Lately i began to feel like i really have an impact on peoples life's when this morning i realized im just another empty seat.
I woke up only a few minutes late (didnt eat again . . .i dont have time for that these days) and drove to school. Someone took my early morning parking space and i realized life goes on with out people INCLUDING me. . .
again who am i? just a human what happens with out one person

"Without you, the ground thaws
the rain falls
the grass grows

Without you, the seeds root
the flowers bloom
the children play

The stars gleam
the poets dream
the eagles fly"

Would someone miss me? Yes i know they would, but Im no one special. Im another spot filled im another painter im another weird kid im the girl with the blue hair who was cool. Im not gonna change the world im not gonna save a life im just going to exist until my time is up. And how long could that be? I dont know most likely a LONG TIME but i just dont see how i can change any thing. Even though i know not all people are meant to change things its good to have some effect.
What if i had never meet certain friends?
one year back two years back SEVEN years back. Would i have made that much of a difference in their lives? Im not sure that i would have.
These are just thoughts i have no intention on doing any thing about it things always work out the way they are meant to. (I hate believing that but i have to other wise i dont understand why anything is the way it is)
"Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?

Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

"THE ONLY WAY OUT IS UP!!!!"

"AAA LEEEEEEEEEP OOOoOooooOooF FAITH" RENT
Maureen says this during her performance, and i suppose its true. I did hit the bottom no doubt about that. The things i typed on Microsoft Word and didn't put in this blog are much darker and worst than what i did put here.
At the bottom of the ocean i got wedged on some rocks scratched bruised and i have some opened wounds, but i think i might have crossed the path of a slow moving current. yes I'm gonna stay down here for a while but at least I'm moving again(not up just moving). and i suppose that the only way out of this is up.
I was worried for a bit there because i passed some trenches and i wasn't to sure if i was going to sink into one of them.
Which brings me to a touchy subject . . .death.
I mean what am i doing talking about death at 2:32 am when i should be sleeping right? whats wrong with this girl?
The truth is allot.
When you can feel eyes burning into your scull and feel things that "aren't there". When you can hear voices telling you to do things and when you can see your life flash before your eyes all day long there IS something wrong with you.
I still think no matter what any one says (and no one can convince me otherwise) i did something wrong. Every thing fell apart because of me somehow it was my fault (i know it).
I STILL FEEL THAT I CAN FALL INTO THAT TRENCH
its so close i mean how can i avoid something so massive
i almost got into a huge car accident, and everywhere i go i . . . well i see my life . . .end. its creepy i know even for me i don't get a kick out of any of this but i don't know if i can hold up to this much longer. even now in my dark bedroom someones smiling while i grimace in fear.
I have a reason for being here a very important one but i just cant justify it any more and so since Ive lost that understanding all of these thoughts or visions or what ever they are keep multiplying. I almost wanted to believe the only way out wasn't up DON'T FREAK OUT i would never do that to myself NEVER. . . but i thought something else would.
If this doesn't make one bit of sense to you i totally understand. I'm just scared that even though I'm swept up in this current i still might not see the light of day again even if i don't fall into the trench I'm afraid to leave the bottom because its all i have left from before and i don't know if I'm ready to be on my own. The ocean is enormous how am i supposed to who i can swim with especially because i trusted my pod before and now not only do i have no pod but I'm lost.
right now all i can do is float through this currant and hope it takes me out of here maybe with enough time it will take me home and if not and someone only wants to forget then all i can hope for is i find the only way out if i can choose it WILL be up.

(DORY
No..no, you can't! Stop! Please don't go away. Please? No  one's ever stuck with me for
so long before. And if you leave, if you leave...I just,  I remember things better with you.
I do... I remember it, I  do. It's there, I know it is
because when I look at you, I can feel it. And I, I look 
at you and...I'm home. Please.
I don't want them to go away. I don't wanna forget.

MARLIN
I'm sorry, Dory, but I do. -Finding Nemo)