KA

So i have decided that I am going to reread The Dark Tower series. Perhaps if i blog about it i can keep up with what it all means.
On a side note: THIS IS NOT A SUMMARY!!! this is how i feel about my adventure with Roland and The Dark Tower. and although I've taken this journey before I have heard a whisper and a calling to the books since i finished the last page. I once again am going to walk in my own footsteps and follow what goes on in my mind as i go through the rose fields once more.

Introducton
On being Ninteen
(and a few other things)

I'm 20 now so being 19 is not such a crazy thing to think about. I have my whole life ahead of me and really no one can tell me other wise. Like Stephen i have had my brushes with Middle Earth. I have read The Hobbit i have not yet read The Lord of the Rings (guilty) But i've seen the movies (i know not as good). I have also had a large group of friends who began to write tails of elves and dragons wanting fame and glory of their own.
Getting "older" im starting to notice things about the world and about myself and I truly feel like an adult. *scoffs No i have no idea how to pay a bill and i have not yet known what its like to have a full time job or know what Thirty is like or Forty hell even Fifty! But i digress. All i can think of now is Tull and Zoltan old friends with old enemies i will soon see again. Till the story begins Thanki Sai
(do it please ya i love the smell of an old book)

one step at a time

well im a little worst for wear im better in some ways and worst in others. I'm not admitting it to most but i am pretty freaked out (understandable), but its not that im paranoid im just overwhelmed by all of this. Im mostly afraid that im gonna fall behind in school. im really tired to maybe ill be willing to talk more later for now its off to bed.

At least im ok

You never think things are going to happen to you. . .
I was mugged tonight at about 1:30 am i dont know wether to be mad or freaked. he stole my stuff and touched me. Im ok. i was scared of alot of things. so many things could have gone wrong so many things could have been far worst. i dont wanna sleep until i see day light but idk if i can last that long i just wanna see the sun. i was FIVE STEPS AWAY FROM MY FRONT DOOR fucking bastard. took my bag took my grandfathers knife my headphones my small scetchbook. Im ok thats all that matters right? he was a perv so worst could have happened right? blah. . . what drives people this far. he wasnt smelly so he has a home that he goes home to and showers he wasnt dirty so he has a place to wash his clothes. He seemed not much older than me. *breaths what the hell is wrong with people? its not ians fault i just took him home. i was paying attention i saw him crossing the parking lot MOTHER FUCKER MAN sigh idk what to think right now im so confused im gonna stop babbling now im gonna be awake for a while . . .

I miss her

It's been five long years since she died. I dont know what triggers it and i dont know why it still happens, but randomly she comes back....
All i was doing was thinking.... about school... about Ian... about summer and gameboy games and sandwiches and then it all just stopped. I just remembered that she was gone how could something that happened so long ago still hurt so much? FIVE YEARS! Five years. . . Its like shes still here sleeping in my bed with me softly breathing on my chest. I can feel her soft skin her small body sleeping safely on mine. Right now shes right next to me and it hurts SO MUCH. She was all i knew and all i had, she was all i wanted and all that i needed. I was never alone. All i spoke, thought, and dreamed about was her. And here i am now in this adult body feeling like this was all yesterday. And it still hurts soo much. Tears running down my cheeks. Just to hold her again to look into her beautiful brown eyes. Shes been gone for a long time... and its been a long time since i've felt like this. Although it hurts its the closest i feel to her. When i feel like this .... when i feel like right after she died i feel like shes still her like her last breath is still hanging in the air. No one can understand. The only one that can come close is Michelle but i cant even talk to her now. What can i do?

I love you darling i always will. I guess this proves that i wont ever forget. They all laughed and pointed fingers. They all scoffed at our love. But i will always remember your beauty. I will always remember your charm. Your amazing apatite and your sleeping face. I'll remember your eyes and the last time i saw them. Goodnight my love ill see you in my dreams <3

Geeezz that was hard!!!

After about 30 minutes of tinkering with passwords and user names i finally squirmed my way back on to my blog page.

and now down to business. . .

I dont know if ian even bothers to read his page any more but this is kinda my ENRAGED OUTCRY in his general direction of Cyberspace.

I have never wanted to be the kind of girl friend to restrict my significant other from seeing close friends of the opposite sex. HOWEVER i am opposed to that same significant other

ONE doing MATH amongst other things several times a week with this very close/ "only" friend

TWO not telling me about it conveniently until the hanging out is about to commence or has already commenced/ telling me about it and not expecting my attitude to go from chipper to flat-line in .2 seconds

and
THREE being bothered and in somewhat disbelief that i dont trust him with her because he LOVES ME <3<3<3

Now of course there other factors that need to be taken into account. I know from an outside stand point this dose come across MOST possessive, clingy, and down right ANNOYING. The growing dilemma started with rising feelings of irritation and the loss of my friendship with the girl i shall refer to as Mia(and if ian reads this he will appreciate the irony in my name choice). I have long been friends with Mia and an all to common rivalry has existed between us from day one all in good fun of course. Over time her rivalry became increasingly hostile and to personal. Constantly bringing up personal soft spots such as money situations playing a constant one-up-game. A final straw came up when i found that Mia had taken advantage of Ian's break up with me to do something no "FRIEND" should do when another friend is grieving about an ended relationship. And so, since then motives have been questioned and trust has been compromised.

As for sir ian Trust is there BUT trust still must be earned and for that matter KEPT!!!!

Unfortunately things that happen dont just up and blow away. I remember. . .
I know that up until THE WHOLE BREAK UP i suspected nothing trust was always 100% and i never accused ian of any thing including flirting. As of now all i can say is i trust ian but my natural instincts suspect the worst. Every thing was perfect before all of this and now i cant be blamed for having a suspicious mind.

I dont believe ian will cheat he loves me and i love him. . . but he loved me before and all of this happened with ian loving me in the first place or not. All i can do now is wait till these feelings dissipate.

The relationship right now is suffering when He's alone with her I'm upset and anxious. But i will do what i can to put the peaces back together but i need help. I need ians trust and ians support too.

rawr

So Ian asked me out Feb 7 and after all the time i waited i said yes. However we still have alot of things to work through and over come. Ian has a very bad habit of snapping at me at random occasions and im not gonna take that sitting down. Living together getting married being together every waking moment is not gonna be me yelling and screaming back either. I WANT THIS TO WORK but all these outbursts he has better stop and quick i dont deserve that. and NO this dosent happen all the time im not trying to over exagerate a small event all im saying is i dont want to wake up years down the road and have something that happens only occasionaly to happen all the time all i can do is wait and see i guess.

We'll see where this goes

Ian talked to me the other day. At about 7 am he showed up at my front door.
I didn't know what to do first of all I was asleep and then i get a call saying "im outside"
so i opened the door and he hands me a letter. i didnt know what to expect it could have been a final good bye it could be a take me back it could have been any thing. . .
He left and told me he didnt have work till 10 and to call him if i choose to talk to him.
I walked back inside and opened it. . .
I didnt get past the first sentence before i began to cry. Reading that letter it broke what i had finally begun to build up (he said the same thing later on but the case was about the same on my end). I had finally begin to ATTEMPT to let go. I started talking to this guy Eric. I tryed my best and i really started to like him. . .and then ian came back.
In the envalope with the letter there was something else . . . the necklace. . .
When i pulled it out and held it in my hand i felt like i was being struck by lightning i began to shake and cry and wail.
I waited two months. TWO FUCKING MONTHS!!!!! of tears and regret and sadness. And when i finally began to heal and let go he comes back.
I told him to meet me in the park and i waited as he walked from his house (at least he was motivated)
As i waited i began to sing. I sang all the songs i have been singing to get me through this.
And then i saw him walking tword me.
we sat down at the same picknik tables he broke up with me the first time and as cold and honest as possable i told him where i stand right now. He explained his reasoning for breaking up with me and why he wasnt talking to me. He told me he was the same ian that was my friend the same ian that went to ultra with me and the same ian i fell in love with and all i could think was
WHAT FUCKING NERVE!!!!
He needs to get his life strait. Stop smoking all the fucking time. Stop being an ass hole to his family who are extreamly good people fix all the realaitonships he ruined because he lied to every one. And after all that i can try to be his friend.
Ian said he doent think he can do that.
My issue is He cheeted once on his other gf
he cheeted on me
he broke up with me once before
and if i took him back how the hell am i supposed to trust him!!!
after our chat he left and i began to think
I still love Ian
But he's still not the ian i knew he needs to get his head on strait
I love the Ian i knew the one who didn't lie the one who had lots of friends who was good in school the one who was an amazing actor
and the Ian that i grew up with
That ian still dosent exist
. . . .if i ever saw that Ian again i would go back to him in a heart beat
But untill i see him again and untill i see a mature adult i can not even imagin being with this person.
It's all up to him
And to be honest its going to be harder than he thinks me im not asking much on my end of things i want the old ian back. However getting all of his friends to trust him again and be friends again, concentrating on studies and his carreer, and really giving a shit about his family is going to be quite a feat. All i can say to the present Ian is good luck it will be harder to convince others than it will be me. Oh and good luck convincing Michelle my best friend.