one step at a time

well im a little worst for wear im better in some ways and worst in others. I'm not admitting it to most but i am pretty freaked out (understandable), but its not that im paranoid im just overwhelmed by all of this. Im mostly afraid that im gonna fall behind in school. im really tired to maybe ill be willing to talk more later for now its off to bed.

At least im ok

You never think things are going to happen to you. . .
I was mugged tonight at about 1:30 am i dont know wether to be mad or freaked. he stole my stuff and touched me. Im ok. i was scared of alot of things. so many things could have gone wrong so many things could have been far worst. i dont wanna sleep until i see day light but idk if i can last that long i just wanna see the sun. i was FIVE STEPS AWAY FROM MY FRONT DOOR fucking bastard. took my bag took my grandfathers knife my headphones my small scetchbook. Im ok thats all that matters right? he was a perv so worst could have happened right? blah. . . what drives people this far. he wasnt smelly so he has a home that he goes home to and showers he wasnt dirty so he has a place to wash his clothes. He seemed not much older than me. *breaths what the hell is wrong with people? its not ians fault i just took him home. i was paying attention i saw him crossing the parking lot MOTHER FUCKER MAN sigh idk what to think right now im so confused im gonna stop babbling now im gonna be awake for a while . . .

I miss her

It's been five long years since she died. I dont know what triggers it and i dont know why it still happens, but randomly she comes back....
All i was doing was thinking.... about school... about Ian... about summer and gameboy games and sandwiches and then it all just stopped. I just remembered that she was gone how could something that happened so long ago still hurt so much? FIVE YEARS! Five years. . . Its like shes still here sleeping in my bed with me softly breathing on my chest. I can feel her soft skin her small body sleeping safely on mine. Right now shes right next to me and it hurts SO MUCH. She was all i knew and all i had, she was all i wanted and all that i needed. I was never alone. All i spoke, thought, and dreamed about was her. And here i am now in this adult body feeling like this was all yesterday. And it still hurts soo much. Tears running down my cheeks. Just to hold her again to look into her beautiful brown eyes. Shes been gone for a long time... and its been a long time since i've felt like this. Although it hurts its the closest i feel to her. When i feel like this .... when i feel like right after she died i feel like shes still her like her last breath is still hanging in the air. No one can understand. The only one that can come close is Michelle but i cant even talk to her now. What can i do?

I love you darling i always will. I guess this proves that i wont ever forget. They all laughed and pointed fingers. They all scoffed at our love. But i will always remember your beauty. I will always remember your charm. Your amazing apatite and your sleeping face. I'll remember your eyes and the last time i saw them. Goodnight my love ill see you in my dreams <3