We'll see where this goes

Ian talked to me the other day. At about 7 am he showed up at my front door.
I didn't know what to do first of all I was asleep and then i get a call saying "im outside"
so i opened the door and he hands me a letter. i didnt know what to expect it could have been a final good bye it could be a take me back it could have been any thing. . .
He left and told me he didnt have work till 10 and to call him if i choose to talk to him.
I walked back inside and opened it. . .
I didnt get past the first sentence before i began to cry. Reading that letter it broke what i had finally begun to build up (he said the same thing later on but the case was about the same on my end). I had finally begin to ATTEMPT to let go. I started talking to this guy Eric. I tryed my best and i really started to like him. . .and then ian came back.
In the envalope with the letter there was something else . . . the necklace. . .
When i pulled it out and held it in my hand i felt like i was being struck by lightning i began to shake and cry and wail.
I waited two months. TWO FUCKING MONTHS!!!!! of tears and regret and sadness. And when i finally began to heal and let go he comes back.
I told him to meet me in the park and i waited as he walked from his house (at least he was motivated)
As i waited i began to sing. I sang all the songs i have been singing to get me through this.
And then i saw him walking tword me.
we sat down at the same picknik tables he broke up with me the first time and as cold and honest as possable i told him where i stand right now. He explained his reasoning for breaking up with me and why he wasnt talking to me. He told me he was the same ian that was my friend the same ian that went to ultra with me and the same ian i fell in love with and all i could think was
WHAT FUCKING NERVE!!!!
He needs to get his life strait. Stop smoking all the fucking time. Stop being an ass hole to his family who are extreamly good people fix all the realaitonships he ruined because he lied to every one. And after all that i can try to be his friend.
Ian said he doent think he can do that.
My issue is He cheeted once on his other gf
he cheeted on me
he broke up with me once before
and if i took him back how the hell am i supposed to trust him!!!
after our chat he left and i began to think
I still love Ian
But he's still not the ian i knew he needs to get his head on strait
I love the Ian i knew the one who didn't lie the one who had lots of friends who was good in school the one who was an amazing actor
and the Ian that i grew up with
That ian still dosent exist
. . . .if i ever saw that Ian again i would go back to him in a heart beat
But untill i see him again and untill i see a mature adult i can not even imagin being with this person.
It's all up to him
And to be honest its going to be harder than he thinks me im not asking much on my end of things i want the old ian back. However getting all of his friends to trust him again and be friends again, concentrating on studies and his carreer, and really giving a shit about his family is going to be quite a feat. All i can say to the present Ian is good luck it will be harder to convince others than it will be me. Oh and good luck convincing Michelle my best friend.

Meh

*bangs head into a wall
Why do i have to feel like this i've been fine for a couple of weeks now. But in the last couple of days i just want to see him more than any thing.
I dont want him to think i hate him.
I dont want him to think . . .i dont know
My worries are stupid it dosent matter. It dosent matter at all if i call, text, aim, what ever, if i go find him to say hi, it won't matter either.
The "time" he needs just makes me begin to think that he just dosent want to be friends at all.
I mean i need my time too REALLY I've been alot better just doing what i want. But im starting to miss Ian (not the boy friend ian) but the ian i knew before all that.
I keep thinking about Ultra thats what's really making me sad.
I dont know if we're gonna be back to being friends by then. I LOVE GOING TO ULTRA WITH IAN i cant imagine going with any one else it's been our thing for the past few years.
But i dont think hes gonna want to go with me any more.
. . .
I wrote a poem yesterday it came out of nowhere i like it but of corse its a sad one i might post it i might not.
The only thing i wish for right now is to know whats going on on his side of the spectrum.
I wish i could know if he thinks we are still going to be friends. I wanna know that every thing is gonna work itself out.
I wish i could know when the life boat was gonna pick me up because the water out here is choppy and im getting tired.
(Ian i wish you would talk to me soon)
(v you dont have to comment still just venting)

I miss him

so i left my art class today and i dont have work for once. on my drive home i began to think about where i am since this whole thing began. I DO still miss him i miss our friendship but i cant be the one to start it again. When i went on friday night to see the play i didnt look at him or talk to him. We did have an important talk the last time we saw eachother and the time before that. But i think that he believes that we patched things up and all's dandy again. . . its not. I dont know if he remembers but i remember what it was like when we were friends. And sure times are different now i guess but i dont know what kind of friend i was to him. . . basically i know he was one of my best friends next to Michelle he was my other best friend and he was ALWAYS my best guy friend. Im not to sure what i was to him though. Just another friend i think.
My point is i want to be able to hang like we used to and talk like we used to but i will not start it if any one is approching the other or calling the other i need him to do it. that way ill know that he actually wants to be my friend and hes not just feeling bad for me so he talks to me.
(if you read this ian im sory if i was cold the other night)
Being alone is the hardest part for me
I saw Paranormal Activety and i feel like im the main charecter alot of the things she describes that happened to her happened to me. All i know is that when my mom goes to the keys the week of her birthday im going to be on edge hopeing that maybe i can have a friend by my side to keep an eye on me. In the movie after loud foot steps are heard and a door slams her boy friend who is living with her screams "show your self " to the spirit (or something like that) it reminded me of something that happened to me in the past. i just hope that if something happens again i can take care of it on my own. i hope

i hope for many things. . .

V if you read this there is no need for a comment im just venting.

The first cold day of the year

So the first chills of winter rolled in last night and today the weather was beautiful. But the world felt thin. Some thing felt off. Maybe it's the lack of what I've had in the past year. The cold weather is kind of like when you're walking and you catch a whiff of something that reminds you of your past. Smell is one of the strongest forms of nostalgia and for me so is weather. Winter always means alot to me the whole family time together and this year im going to be alone. all the people i usually spend christmas with have moved or changed there plans. my moms going to viset her boy friend and im just going to open my presents eat lunch and go to bed no doubt it will be a long day with nothing to do. Lately I've been feeling like something's missing (i know what that is) but now i have to go through another year of firsts. First Christmas, first cold day, first new year, and so on. *Sigh it's a shame that things have ended up the way they are i hate it i HATE IT confrontation killes me inside but what can i do? I'm not in control any more so all i can do is float on the breeze and hope that end up some where better than here. i just dont know where that will be and unfortunatly i know the only one that will always be there for me is me. i know that i will always be by my side. In the end i guess its better that way

No call back

Oh well dreams die once again. . .its okay i didn't think i was any good any way. I just did it to get rid of my curiosity. Only like 10 of my friends my Mom and Deborah Mellow wanted me to audition but every thing happens for a reason. i know if by some miracle i got a part and for example Ian or Andrea or any one else for that matter didn't get a part i would feel so weird. Or if i got a part WITH them for that matter. *sigh I'm better behind the scenes painting drawing and silent. I wasn't expecting a call back so I'm not entirely crushed but acting is like any competition and I'm not a competitor. (and V don't comment about this statement) Besides i know some one who wish i didn't go to the audition any who *sigh i hope that the seasons fly by i hope work and school keeps me busy because I don't want the way I've felt any more. "I follow the night cant stand the light" -Moulin Rouge

Acting me?

EHHHHHHH!!! WHY DO ALL MY FRIENDS HAVE TO BE SO PERSUASIVE!!!
So i was walking down the hall of the "M" building on level two and Deborah Mellow (the theater department head) asks me "are you gonna try to audition for the next play. in my mind i was thinking HELL NO!!!! But i said im not really sure ive never really acted before so i dont know. Before i could leave she said " you should i have a part that would be perfect for you" 0o shhhhhwat? Mind you i was NOT going to audidtion but then all of my drama friends kept saying "when Deborah tells you to audiditon you audidtion"
sigh
so for the past two days i picked a random monolouge memorized it and so tonight there i was waiting to preform it (for two people lol)
I TOTALY mixed up all of my lines. She said its ok sit down and start over. So i sat down on the side of the stage and begain again. Oh boy i was mixing up my lines left and right but she was laughing so that was good (mind you it was supposed to be funny she wasen't laughing at me . . .i hope lol) She asked if i was avalabe on certain days but i told her i have a job i could alwayse reschedual. And Sam (the other girl who was their) said you can die your hair right (i cringed at the thought) but Deborah was like oh she could wear a wig (thats awsome ) idk what i would do if i got a part ive never been in a real play im scared but its a new experience.
Truth to be told when i was in elementry school i always wanted to be in drama (my little secret) middle school ruined it for me but i all honesty if it wasnt for a tragic chain of events in my childhood i would probably be an actress or a singer. Sigh
If i dont get it its ok i am super busy with work and such but . . .
if i did get it 0o wtf mate i dont know
i dont expect to get a part but oh man if i got a part i would freak

"You can't always get what you want But if you try sometimes you just might find You get what you need"

I've been watching a house marathon all evening and thinking about a certain someone. I just really miss all that i dont have any more. I remembered that in one of the episodes a song that was dedicated to me plays at the end (the song in the title). The funny thing is the song also popped in my head earlyer today.
Just a few moments ago that episode of House came on i didnt realise till the end when the song played that all of what i had is in the past and it will remain that way.
I just have been having all these random memories come back into my mind.
(am i the only one thinking them? am i the only one who misses the other?)
i dont expect any thing any more.
but i want some things back ive had so many good times in the past year met tons of new friends had two amazing camping trips. i . . .i feel like im missing out now.
my relationship is over
and i also lost a friend
there's nothing left of what used to be.
and i dont beleive there ever will be again