KA

So i have decided that I am going to reread The Dark Tower series. Perhaps if i blog about it i can keep up with what it all means.
On a side note: THIS IS NOT A SUMMARY!!! this is how i feel about my adventure with Roland and The Dark Tower. and although I've taken this journey before I have heard a whisper and a calling to the books since i finished the last page. I once again am going to walk in my own footsteps and follow what goes on in my mind as i go through the rose fields once more.

Introducton
On being Ninteen
(and a few other things)

I'm 20 now so being 19 is not such a crazy thing to think about. I have my whole life ahead of me and really no one can tell me other wise. Like Stephen i have had my brushes with Middle Earth. I have read The Hobbit i have not yet read The Lord of the Rings (guilty) But i've seen the movies (i know not as good). I have also had a large group of friends who began to write tails of elves and dragons wanting fame and glory of their own.
Getting "older" im starting to notice things about the world and about myself and I truly feel like an adult. *scoffs No i have no idea how to pay a bill and i have not yet known what its like to have a full time job or know what Thirty is like or Forty hell even Fifty! But i digress. All i can think of now is Tull and Zoltan old friends with old enemies i will soon see again. Till the story begins Thanki Sai
(do it please ya i love the smell of an old book)

one step at a time

well im a little worst for wear im better in some ways and worst in others. I'm not admitting it to most but i am pretty freaked out (understandable), but its not that im paranoid im just overwhelmed by all of this. Im mostly afraid that im gonna fall behind in school. im really tired to maybe ill be willing to talk more later for now its off to bed.

At least im ok

You never think things are going to happen to you. . .
I was mugged tonight at about 1:30 am i dont know wether to be mad or freaked. he stole my stuff and touched me. Im ok. i was scared of alot of things. so many things could have gone wrong so many things could have been far worst. i dont wanna sleep until i see day light but idk if i can last that long i just wanna see the sun. i was FIVE STEPS AWAY FROM MY FRONT DOOR fucking bastard. took my bag took my grandfathers knife my headphones my small scetchbook. Im ok thats all that matters right? he was a perv so worst could have happened right? blah. . . what drives people this far. he wasnt smelly so he has a home that he goes home to and showers he wasnt dirty so he has a place to wash his clothes. He seemed not much older than me. *breaths what the hell is wrong with people? its not ians fault i just took him home. i was paying attention i saw him crossing the parking lot MOTHER FUCKER MAN sigh idk what to think right now im so confused im gonna stop babbling now im gonna be awake for a while . . .

I miss her

It's been five long years since she died. I dont know what triggers it and i dont know why it still happens, but randomly she comes back....
All i was doing was thinking.... about school... about Ian... about summer and gameboy games and sandwiches and then it all just stopped. I just remembered that she was gone how could something that happened so long ago still hurt so much? FIVE YEARS! Five years. . . Its like shes still here sleeping in my bed with me softly breathing on my chest. I can feel her soft skin her small body sleeping safely on mine. Right now shes right next to me and it hurts SO MUCH. She was all i knew and all i had, she was all i wanted and all that i needed. I was never alone. All i spoke, thought, and dreamed about was her. And here i am now in this adult body feeling like this was all yesterday. And it still hurts soo much. Tears running down my cheeks. Just to hold her again to look into her beautiful brown eyes. Shes been gone for a long time... and its been a long time since i've felt like this. Although it hurts its the closest i feel to her. When i feel like this .... when i feel like right after she died i feel like shes still her like her last breath is still hanging in the air. No one can understand. The only one that can come close is Michelle but i cant even talk to her now. What can i do?

I love you darling i always will. I guess this proves that i wont ever forget. They all laughed and pointed fingers. They all scoffed at our love. But i will always remember your beauty. I will always remember your charm. Your amazing apatite and your sleeping face. I'll remember your eyes and the last time i saw them. Goodnight my love ill see you in my dreams <3

Geeezz that was hard!!!

After about 30 minutes of tinkering with passwords and user names i finally squirmed my way back on to my blog page.

and now down to business. . .

I dont know if ian even bothers to read his page any more but this is kinda my ENRAGED OUTCRY in his general direction of Cyberspace.

I have never wanted to be the kind of girl friend to restrict my significant other from seeing close friends of the opposite sex. HOWEVER i am opposed to that same significant other

ONE doing MATH amongst other things several times a week with this very close/ "only" friend

TWO not telling me about it conveniently until the hanging out is about to commence or has already commenced/ telling me about it and not expecting my attitude to go from chipper to flat-line in .2 seconds

and
THREE being bothered and in somewhat disbelief that i dont trust him with her because he LOVES ME <3<3<3

Now of course there other factors that need to be taken into account. I know from an outside stand point this dose come across MOST possessive, clingy, and down right ANNOYING. The growing dilemma started with rising feelings of irritation and the loss of my friendship with the girl i shall refer to as Mia(and if ian reads this he will appreciate the irony in my name choice). I have long been friends with Mia and an all to common rivalry has existed between us from day one all in good fun of course. Over time her rivalry became increasingly hostile and to personal. Constantly bringing up personal soft spots such as money situations playing a constant one-up-game. A final straw came up when i found that Mia had taken advantage of Ian's break up with me to do something no "FRIEND" should do when another friend is grieving about an ended relationship. And so, since then motives have been questioned and trust has been compromised.

As for sir ian Trust is there BUT trust still must be earned and for that matter KEPT!!!!

Unfortunately things that happen dont just up and blow away. I remember. . .
I know that up until THE WHOLE BREAK UP i suspected nothing trust was always 100% and i never accused ian of any thing including flirting. As of now all i can say is i trust ian but my natural instincts suspect the worst. Every thing was perfect before all of this and now i cant be blamed for having a suspicious mind.

I dont believe ian will cheat he loves me and i love him. . . but he loved me before and all of this happened with ian loving me in the first place or not. All i can do now is wait till these feelings dissipate.

The relationship right now is suffering when He's alone with her I'm upset and anxious. But i will do what i can to put the peaces back together but i need help. I need ians trust and ians support too.

rawr

So Ian asked me out Feb 7 and after all the time i waited i said yes. However we still have alot of things to work through and over come. Ian has a very bad habit of snapping at me at random occasions and im not gonna take that sitting down. Living together getting married being together every waking moment is not gonna be me yelling and screaming back either. I WANT THIS TO WORK but all these outbursts he has better stop and quick i dont deserve that. and NO this dosent happen all the time im not trying to over exagerate a small event all im saying is i dont want to wake up years down the road and have something that happens only occasionaly to happen all the time all i can do is wait and see i guess.

We'll see where this goes

Ian talked to me the other day. At about 7 am he showed up at my front door.
I didn't know what to do first of all I was asleep and then i get a call saying "im outside"
so i opened the door and he hands me a letter. i didnt know what to expect it could have been a final good bye it could be a take me back it could have been any thing. . .
He left and told me he didnt have work till 10 and to call him if i choose to talk to him.
I walked back inside and opened it. . .
I didnt get past the first sentence before i began to cry. Reading that letter it broke what i had finally begun to build up (he said the same thing later on but the case was about the same on my end). I had finally begin to ATTEMPT to let go. I started talking to this guy Eric. I tryed my best and i really started to like him. . .and then ian came back.
In the envalope with the letter there was something else . . . the necklace. . .
When i pulled it out and held it in my hand i felt like i was being struck by lightning i began to shake and cry and wail.
I waited two months. TWO FUCKING MONTHS!!!!! of tears and regret and sadness. And when i finally began to heal and let go he comes back.
I told him to meet me in the park and i waited as he walked from his house (at least he was motivated)
As i waited i began to sing. I sang all the songs i have been singing to get me through this.
And then i saw him walking tword me.
we sat down at the same picknik tables he broke up with me the first time and as cold and honest as possable i told him where i stand right now. He explained his reasoning for breaking up with me and why he wasnt talking to me. He told me he was the same ian that was my friend the same ian that went to ultra with me and the same ian i fell in love with and all i could think was
WHAT FUCKING NERVE!!!!
He needs to get his life strait. Stop smoking all the fucking time. Stop being an ass hole to his family who are extreamly good people fix all the realaitonships he ruined because he lied to every one. And after all that i can try to be his friend.
Ian said he doent think he can do that.
My issue is He cheeted once on his other gf
he cheeted on me
he broke up with me once before
and if i took him back how the hell am i supposed to trust him!!!
after our chat he left and i began to think
I still love Ian
But he's still not the ian i knew he needs to get his head on strait
I love the Ian i knew the one who didn't lie the one who had lots of friends who was good in school the one who was an amazing actor
and the Ian that i grew up with
That ian still dosent exist
. . . .if i ever saw that Ian again i would go back to him in a heart beat
But untill i see him again and untill i see a mature adult i can not even imagin being with this person.
It's all up to him
And to be honest its going to be harder than he thinks me im not asking much on my end of things i want the old ian back. However getting all of his friends to trust him again and be friends again, concentrating on studies and his carreer, and really giving a shit about his family is going to be quite a feat. All i can say to the present Ian is good luck it will be harder to convince others than it will be me. Oh and good luck convincing Michelle my best friend.

Meh

*bangs head into a wall
Why do i have to feel like this i've been fine for a couple of weeks now. But in the last couple of days i just want to see him more than any thing.
I dont want him to think i hate him.
I dont want him to think . . .i dont know
My worries are stupid it dosent matter. It dosent matter at all if i call, text, aim, what ever, if i go find him to say hi, it won't matter either.
The "time" he needs just makes me begin to think that he just dosent want to be friends at all.
I mean i need my time too REALLY I've been alot better just doing what i want. But im starting to miss Ian (not the boy friend ian) but the ian i knew before all that.
I keep thinking about Ultra thats what's really making me sad.
I dont know if we're gonna be back to being friends by then. I LOVE GOING TO ULTRA WITH IAN i cant imagine going with any one else it's been our thing for the past few years.
But i dont think hes gonna want to go with me any more.
. . .
I wrote a poem yesterday it came out of nowhere i like it but of corse its a sad one i might post it i might not.
The only thing i wish for right now is to know whats going on on his side of the spectrum.
I wish i could know if he thinks we are still going to be friends. I wanna know that every thing is gonna work itself out.
I wish i could know when the life boat was gonna pick me up because the water out here is choppy and im getting tired.
(Ian i wish you would talk to me soon)
(v you dont have to comment still just venting)

I miss him

so i left my art class today and i dont have work for once. on my drive home i began to think about where i am since this whole thing began. I DO still miss him i miss our friendship but i cant be the one to start it again. When i went on friday night to see the play i didnt look at him or talk to him. We did have an important talk the last time we saw eachother and the time before that. But i think that he believes that we patched things up and all's dandy again. . . its not. I dont know if he remembers but i remember what it was like when we were friends. And sure times are different now i guess but i dont know what kind of friend i was to him. . . basically i know he was one of my best friends next to Michelle he was my other best friend and he was ALWAYS my best guy friend. Im not to sure what i was to him though. Just another friend i think.
My point is i want to be able to hang like we used to and talk like we used to but i will not start it if any one is approching the other or calling the other i need him to do it. that way ill know that he actually wants to be my friend and hes not just feeling bad for me so he talks to me.
(if you read this ian im sory if i was cold the other night)
Being alone is the hardest part for me
I saw Paranormal Activety and i feel like im the main charecter alot of the things she describes that happened to her happened to me. All i know is that when my mom goes to the keys the week of her birthday im going to be on edge hopeing that maybe i can have a friend by my side to keep an eye on me. In the movie after loud foot steps are heard and a door slams her boy friend who is living with her screams "show your self " to the spirit (or something like that) it reminded me of something that happened to me in the past. i just hope that if something happens again i can take care of it on my own. i hope

i hope for many things. . .

V if you read this there is no need for a comment im just venting.

The first cold day of the year

So the first chills of winter rolled in last night and today the weather was beautiful. But the world felt thin. Some thing felt off. Maybe it's the lack of what I've had in the past year. The cold weather is kind of like when you're walking and you catch a whiff of something that reminds you of your past. Smell is one of the strongest forms of nostalgia and for me so is weather. Winter always means alot to me the whole family time together and this year im going to be alone. all the people i usually spend christmas with have moved or changed there plans. my moms going to viset her boy friend and im just going to open my presents eat lunch and go to bed no doubt it will be a long day with nothing to do. Lately I've been feeling like something's missing (i know what that is) but now i have to go through another year of firsts. First Christmas, first cold day, first new year, and so on. *Sigh it's a shame that things have ended up the way they are i hate it i HATE IT confrontation killes me inside but what can i do? I'm not in control any more so all i can do is float on the breeze and hope that end up some where better than here. i just dont know where that will be and unfortunatly i know the only one that will always be there for me is me. i know that i will always be by my side. In the end i guess its better that way

No call back

Oh well dreams die once again. . .its okay i didn't think i was any good any way. I just did it to get rid of my curiosity. Only like 10 of my friends my Mom and Deborah Mellow wanted me to audition but every thing happens for a reason. i know if by some miracle i got a part and for example Ian or Andrea or any one else for that matter didn't get a part i would feel so weird. Or if i got a part WITH them for that matter. *sigh I'm better behind the scenes painting drawing and silent. I wasn't expecting a call back so I'm not entirely crushed but acting is like any competition and I'm not a competitor. (and V don't comment about this statement) Besides i know some one who wish i didn't go to the audition any who *sigh i hope that the seasons fly by i hope work and school keeps me busy because I don't want the way I've felt any more. "I follow the night cant stand the light" -Moulin Rouge

Acting me?

EHHHHHHH!!! WHY DO ALL MY FRIENDS HAVE TO BE SO PERSUASIVE!!!
So i was walking down the hall of the "M" building on level two and Deborah Mellow (the theater department head) asks me "are you gonna try to audition for the next play. in my mind i was thinking HELL NO!!!! But i said im not really sure ive never really acted before so i dont know. Before i could leave she said " you should i have a part that would be perfect for you" 0o shhhhhwat? Mind you i was NOT going to audidtion but then all of my drama friends kept saying "when Deborah tells you to audiditon you audidtion"
sigh
so for the past two days i picked a random monolouge memorized it and so tonight there i was waiting to preform it (for two people lol)
I TOTALY mixed up all of my lines. She said its ok sit down and start over. So i sat down on the side of the stage and begain again. Oh boy i was mixing up my lines left and right but she was laughing so that was good (mind you it was supposed to be funny she wasen't laughing at me . . .i hope lol) She asked if i was avalabe on certain days but i told her i have a job i could alwayse reschedual. And Sam (the other girl who was their) said you can die your hair right (i cringed at the thought) but Deborah was like oh she could wear a wig (thats awsome ) idk what i would do if i got a part ive never been in a real play im scared but its a new experience.
Truth to be told when i was in elementry school i always wanted to be in drama (my little secret) middle school ruined it for me but i all honesty if it wasnt for a tragic chain of events in my childhood i would probably be an actress or a singer. Sigh
If i dont get it its ok i am super busy with work and such but . . .
if i did get it 0o wtf mate i dont know
i dont expect to get a part but oh man if i got a part i would freak

"You can't always get what you want But if you try sometimes you just might find You get what you need"

I've been watching a house marathon all evening and thinking about a certain someone. I just really miss all that i dont have any more. I remembered that in one of the episodes a song that was dedicated to me plays at the end (the song in the title). The funny thing is the song also popped in my head earlyer today.
Just a few moments ago that episode of House came on i didnt realise till the end when the song played that all of what i had is in the past and it will remain that way.
I just have been having all these random memories come back into my mind.
(am i the only one thinking them? am i the only one who misses the other?)
i dont expect any thing any more.
but i want some things back ive had so many good times in the past year met tons of new friends had two amazing camping trips. i . . .i feel like im missing out now.
my relationship is over
and i also lost a friend
there's nothing left of what used to be.
and i dont beleive there ever will be again

"It's Only Forever Not Long At All"

The line from the movie Labyrinth is so true.
I just finished watching this 12 minute short film Forever Not So Long and i just feel i don't know i haven't felt this way before.
I don't want to give away the story line but. . . i don't know i feel like i understand things again.
just watch this and finish reading my post
http://foreversnotsolong.com/
*Breaths deep
things are so short and you forget what things mean to you
being yourself loving people simply for what they have to offer you
even if you love some one you forget later on and get in fights and disagreements, people get frustrated at silly things. but every moment truly could be your last "there's only us there's only this forget regret or life is yours to miss"
Losing a relationship is terrible but the worst part is losing the companionship.
in the movie you see people running trying to get places there never gonna go doing last minute things that aren't important. the two people that find each other just for a final moment let go of all the confusion and insanity and spend there last moments together.
Forever is NOT that long you never know when the end is right around the corner.
and if you find a person that can except you, you should hold on and enjoy their company until your time is up. we always forget what we like about the people we care about over time but you have to remember every time you see someone it may be the last.
there is no time for regret
there is no time for mistakes
grab on to the people that are closest to you while you can, stop running to catch up with the chaos around you and be who you truly are again before its too late
Forever is almost done
Tomorrows almost here
and before you know it all will be done
and you will have ran past all you know and love
stop for a moment and breath
eat a cupcake
hold someones hand
and take one last look at the light
before. . .

on a side note in the movie i noticed that he says to the girl something about how no ones life makes an impact its so small and so insignificant. it's almost like what i wrote the other day. i noticed just now that usually when i read peoples blogs diaries (when they let me of corse) or any kind of journal im almost never written about. again what impact do i really have on any one and dose my existance really make any difference? i hope so . . .*sigh

Isn't someone missing me?

"Even though I'm the sacrifice, You won't try for me, not now. Though I'd die to know you love me, I'm all alone. Isn't someone missing me?" Missing -Evanescence

DAMN MY IMPULSIVE POSTING ON FACE BOOK!

Last night after i finished writing about the ocean i stayed up for another HOUR i just couldn't get to sleep and i heard that song and word for word i herd the lyrics pulled from my scull.

"Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?-


And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,"

I guess i was thinking about that even as i slept. Mostly because when i woke up i began to realize who am i? I mean who am i really im just . . .human. Only human and being that only allows me to do so much. Lately i began to feel like i really have an impact on peoples life's when this morning i realized im just another empty seat.
I woke up only a few minutes late (didnt eat again . . .i dont have time for that these days) and drove to school. Someone took my early morning parking space and i realized life goes on with out people INCLUDING me. . .
again who am i? just a human what happens with out one person

"Without you, the ground thaws
the rain falls
the grass grows

Without you, the seeds root
the flowers bloom
the children play

The stars gleam
the poets dream
the eagles fly"

Would someone miss me? Yes i know they would, but Im no one special. Im another spot filled im another painter im another weird kid im the girl with the blue hair who was cool. Im not gonna change the world im not gonna save a life im just going to exist until my time is up. And how long could that be? I dont know most likely a LONG TIME but i just dont see how i can change any thing. Even though i know not all people are meant to change things its good to have some effect.
What if i had never meet certain friends?
one year back two years back SEVEN years back. Would i have made that much of a difference in their lives? Im not sure that i would have.
These are just thoughts i have no intention on doing any thing about it things always work out the way they are meant to. (I hate believing that but i have to other wise i dont understand why anything is the way it is)
"Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?

Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

"THE ONLY WAY OUT IS UP!!!!"

"AAA LEEEEEEEEEP OOOoOooooOooF FAITH" RENT
Maureen says this during her performance, and i suppose its true. I did hit the bottom no doubt about that. The things i typed on Microsoft Word and didn't put in this blog are much darker and worst than what i did put here.
At the bottom of the ocean i got wedged on some rocks scratched bruised and i have some opened wounds, but i think i might have crossed the path of a slow moving current. yes I'm gonna stay down here for a while but at least I'm moving again(not up just moving). and i suppose that the only way out of this is up.
I was worried for a bit there because i passed some trenches and i wasn't to sure if i was going to sink into one of them.
Which brings me to a touchy subject . . .death.
I mean what am i doing talking about death at 2:32 am when i should be sleeping right? whats wrong with this girl?
The truth is allot.
When you can feel eyes burning into your scull and feel things that "aren't there". When you can hear voices telling you to do things and when you can see your life flash before your eyes all day long there IS something wrong with you.
I still think no matter what any one says (and no one can convince me otherwise) i did something wrong. Every thing fell apart because of me somehow it was my fault (i know it).
I STILL FEEL THAT I CAN FALL INTO THAT TRENCH
its so close i mean how can i avoid something so massive
i almost got into a huge car accident, and everywhere i go i . . . well i see my life . . .end. its creepy i know even for me i don't get a kick out of any of this but i don't know if i can hold up to this much longer. even now in my dark bedroom someones smiling while i grimace in fear.
I have a reason for being here a very important one but i just cant justify it any more and so since Ive lost that understanding all of these thoughts or visions or what ever they are keep multiplying. I almost wanted to believe the only way out wasn't up DON'T FREAK OUT i would never do that to myself NEVER. . . but i thought something else would.
If this doesn't make one bit of sense to you i totally understand. I'm just scared that even though I'm swept up in this current i still might not see the light of day again even if i don't fall into the trench I'm afraid to leave the bottom because its all i have left from before and i don't know if I'm ready to be on my own. The ocean is enormous how am i supposed to who i can swim with especially because i trusted my pod before and now not only do i have no pod but I'm lost.
right now all i can do is float through this currant and hope it takes me out of here maybe with enough time it will take me home and if not and someone only wants to forget then all i can hope for is i find the only way out if i can choose it WILL be up.

(DORY
No..no, you can't! Stop! Please don't go away. Please? No  one's ever stuck with me for
so long before. And if you leave, if you leave...I just,  I remember things better with you.
I do... I remember it, I  do. It's there, I know it is
because when I look at you, I can feel it. And I, I look 
at you and...I'm home. Please.
I don't want them to go away. I don't wanna forget.

MARLIN
I'm sorry, Dory, but I do. -Finding Nemo)

This is never ending

I'm trying to write and essay for my english class its due tomorrow but i just can't concentrate. I miss him. There is not doubt in my mind that this whole situation has totally screwed me up. I have nightmares i can't eat and sleeping past 9 am is out of the question. In bed at 2 wake up at 9 which is weird for me im a good sleeper. I wish that we could see each other more I'm worried about him and I'm worried about my self. I CANT just stop thinking about this when your with someone almost everyday for a year and then you dont see or hear from them for days or weeks at a time its like he's dead. I dont know if i will ever get my friend back. and it scares me. i thought we had a very strong realtionship and this has reminded me that nothing is perminent. Now im even scared for my own life. i keep having visions that i might die: car crash, lightning, gunshot to name a few. Or even my best friend Michelle maybe we arent that close any day now she could just stop talking to me because someone convinses her that im a loser. I feel like a rock on the edge of the ocean all i can do is sit back in horrer and watch the wind and sand and waves break off little peices of me till there's nothing left. I can only anticipate what's going next.
And i am hurting already.
i had a dream about him again last night and i WOKE UP in tears. Have you ever experienced that? I have only once before when iggy died.
I dont like dreaming any more i dont like sleeping i dont like eating i dont like drawing. . . no i dont i dont like any thing.
every thing rubes me the wrong way like sand paper on a fresh side walk scrape.
I only hope that one day he comes back as a friend yes definetly. . . but i want us back. . . .i want US back because i think we can make it work. . . at least i hope so. . . im not sure any more.
Oh and the split personalitys yeah i still have them. thats one of the reasons i cant sleep

I feel like i'm in a movie

Lately i feel like my life has been totally scripted. Either like some family show or teen drama. Or even like some bad TV movie. All the peaces of the puzzle fit its like the audience the whole time has been screaming at me through the screen telling me "HELLOOO DONT YOU SEE WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN NEXT!!!!" , but through all the buzzing of the wires and the bright lights i hear nothing. And actually it's not just been lately there have been other points in my life where I've felt, why didn't i see that? This whole think with my FAAaAaaaATHER has been so draining on me and i haven't really been able to talk about it with any one (besides Michelle) but Debora's been . . .busy i guess *shrug, and well, Ian's been nonexistent. So its just been me and my mind like in the Evanescence song Hello
"hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
hello,
if i smile and don't believe
soon i know I'll wake from this dream
don't try to fix me I'm not broken
hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
don't cry"
It used to be only an Iggy song (that's a story for another day) but now i find that my songs apply to all parts of my twisted life and there is a comfort in that. That through all this there is somee constant something i know wont change something i know will always be there

The Dark Side Of The Moon

It's funny to me that my fondest memory of my father is something that i wasn't around for idk if i have time to get into it now but i plan to- oh i plan to. I also think it's a bit funny that the only reminder of my father now will be the Pink Floyd CD's i stole from him yesterday when i was helping my grandmother pack her stuff. Bad? Evil? Well you might not think so if you were in my position. I kinda feel guilty to say that im just waiting for my dad to die. . .- WHATS WRONG WITH THIS PERSON!!!!!???!?! Well to be honest everythings wrong with him (i know that's not where you thought i was going with this but thats why its so interesting). All i have to say before i get into a whole story with you is: it is a wonder, a marvel, a MIRACLE that i even exist to tell you this much. Truely my mother has told me (joking of corse) that my father was just a sperm doner, but after all im heard i almost want to hear that. I just hope that with my mothers up bringing is enough to keep me from being any thing like my FAAAAATHER because if i end up like him. . . i will be in alot, ALOT of trouble.

"Good Morning Revival"

Hello to all well im not feeling to bad to day i had the most WONDERFUL day with Michelle yesterday. Michelle and i went to the beach for a while and then i was like "damn i wish that i would rain" and she's like "me too". and i just blabed out " i just wanna go storm hunting and find one to frolic in" and michelle just plainly said "lets do it". and then my eyes widened with glee and i was like fuck yeah. so we started to drive and we ended up on "calle ocho" and we began gaining on the storm. the rain began to fall and the lightning started. and as we truned into this neighborhood it was raining so hard we couldn't see in frount of us. we got out of the car and instantly were DRENCHED!!! IT WAS SO0O0O0O0O COLD!!!!! and at that moment i felt the most free ive felt in a long time. i forgot everything i felt like a little kid again the puddles were half way up my leg and i ran and jumped in a huge puddle and kicked the water. the lighning and thunder didnt scare me every thing was just PERFECT. i wanted to be there for ever. a few people drove by and one lady asked us if we neede a ride. we just laughed and declined. I wish more days could be like that because the rain really did wash away all my troubles. and i feel alive again and my thoughts are finally clear. i still think i need more time before im compleatly back to normal but untill then i feel like there might be some hope for me